me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”