On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.