I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
😅🤣😂
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.