My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.