If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.