No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
🤣🤣💀
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.