i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
How about daylight saves us for once
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.