*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
#Caturday
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Risking my life for fun.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.