Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You Might Also Like
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
first you must answer his riddles
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Had an epiphany today.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement