9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
You Might Also Like
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.