Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
A drum solo but on your face.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket