My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory