I been hollering for the past 10 minutes πππ
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. Itβs a hat now
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? π
Me: oh God no
Lawyer: Is there any chance theyβll find the victimβs DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Them: you canβt handle this dβ¦
Me:
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.