Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss