RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
FINE, I WON’T.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Knock Knock
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit