HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I came this close!!!!
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..