Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My blood type is b hungry.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.