lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: