Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?