Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
You Might Also Like
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
welcome back
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.