Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*