15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
ready to be harvested
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going