Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Note to self: I am a note
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-