Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
#parenting
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
We avoided this particular disaster
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE