Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
that colleague who touches your screen
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.