I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.