A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time