My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Breaking news:
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.