Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?