I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.