Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.