Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”