She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Risking my life for fun.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Don’t touch that.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa