i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
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*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?