I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.