My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before