My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
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Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing