I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”