Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You Might Also Like
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)