Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say