[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.