“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.