You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind