The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I support this random dude and all his protests
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go