Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
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Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.