So many pants.
So little yoga.
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.