Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“That’s what” – She
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Siri: Retweet me.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.