I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”