Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You Might Also Like
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
…żyje?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.