when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
You Might Also Like
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I drew y’all a little something.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.